Lurking in the Shadows

FE Nerd = Me

2009-04-27T19:37:42Z

I'm trying to unlock the mysterious Soren epilogue scene at the end of Fire Emblem:Radiant Dawn. ...it's so hard. D': I've already had to sacrifice my beautiful flying tank (Haar) for the sake of that scene. Waaah. ;^; Damn you, Black Knight! *shakes fist*

...in other news, MistxBoyd is a cute pairing. :> ~~(See?! I'm not just a BL fan! I love my straighties too!)~~

...

</random>

-Toki

Nerdy news

2009-03-05T03:29:59Z

*Toki uses RESURRECTION*

I'm going to Otakon again this year. But this year, I'll have a real cosplay. *sparkle of YOUTH* I'm going to be NEPHENEE. <333 *points excitedly at icon* I already bought the perfect wig and I'm feeling good. Here's to hoping for an awesome guest list this year. :3

In writing news, I'm halfway done with novella A Mali Estremi, sequel to novella La Fata Morgana and prequel to a yet-untitled third novella with the working title of Fata III. Creativity. I has it.
I've also written (finally!) the prologue and part of the first chapter of a new novel, Stratagem, which I'm very much in love with the concept of. I'm growing very fond of the main character's voice, which is a good sign. :3
I've also drafted an alphabet for his culture. ...out of boredom. Yup.

Well, let's see how long this one lasts.

-Toki

...should I even bother anymore?

2009-01-20T02:51:39Z

No, really. Should I?

Mm... maybe I'll use this as another place to store my stories and crap. Though I already use dA for that. :/ It's not like I write Twilight or Harry Potter or anime fanfiction that'll actually get me noticed. ~__~

*sigh*

I mean, I like all that stuff (well... Twilight not so much), but I'm not big on fanfiction. Isn't part of the joy of writing coming up with your own characters?

But whatever. Maybe it's just me.

-Toki

Writer's Block: Spirits

2008-09-01T01:05:55Z

Do you believe in ghosts? Have you ever encountered one?

View 500 Answers

I do believe in them, though I have no memory of encountering one. Apparently, according to my parents, I became friends with one in Williamsburg, Virginia when I was 1 or 2. I was riding on my dad's back (in one of those baby slings that have the parent and baby back-to-back) and I was chattering happily to someone behind us. So, of course, my parents turn around to apologize to whoever I was bothering and realize that the only thing behind us at that height--my dad's 6'2"--was a portrait. Now, could I have been talking to the portrait? Sure, but I never did it again and when my mom asked if the mansion was haunted, the answer was yes. So who knows?
Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a very logical person. Even though I write fantasy, I write it using scientific knowledge that I have gleaned from personal research as well as assumptions and "what ifs" on my part. For example, if I'm designing a vampire, I decide how that vampire would live off blood. Blood isn't very high in nutrition--it's mostly plasma and protein, as well as a lot of iron; there aren't a lot of carbohydrates. So, I debate with myself, what if instead of going through a complex digestive system that pulls the nutrients from the blood, the blood is swallowed and stored directly into the heart? So, by this logic, a vampire would have to drink its weight in blood every night to fill its enlarged and structurally altered heart, so that that blood could be pumped slowly through its body during the day. Also, because being tall puts a strain on the heart, most vampires would be short. So now, a) vampires have completely different body systems than humans and b) they have lower blood pressure, making them slow-moving and thus, strategic hunters. Now, if they're slow hunters, of course they'll hunt at night while their diurnal prey sleeps. What if they wake their prey up? I apply carnivorous plant logic--you give off either a scent or appearance that makes you attractive, or you use that scent or aura to lull them into a sense of security. You also want to target dull-witted prey that have a lot of blood to spare, so instead of preying on humans, vampires are more interested in cattle, which is actually the main prey of vampire bats. But humans of course, see the vampires as a threat, maybe because humans have been attacked in the past. Like sharks. Only a few people are attacked by sharks every year, but they still have the reputation of being maneaters. People are paranoid.
I kind of got off on a tangent there, but you see my point. Every assumption leads logically into the next and suddenly, the idea of vampires isn't so crazy. It fits quite of few of the legends (feed on blood, night creatures, smart, attractive) while still keeping something of a grounding in reality.

Now, getting back to ghosts, I personally think that we don't know enough about the topic to definitively say that ghosts exist one way or the other, but I do think that there is a lot of unexplained phenomena in this world that could be attributed to a "ghost". Is it definitely a ghost? Who knows? But, with the overwhelming evidence that there is something going on that doesn't fit our "rules" of reality, why wouldn't I be open to the idea?

Just think about this, people used to think that sticking a leech or two on someone's arm to draw out the "bad humors" was a good idea.

-Toki

O hai

2008-09-01T00:18:27Z

Long time no see, LJ. Granted, it's not as long as my usual update-derth time, so I'm feelin' pretty good.

Otakon was amazing. I got Yamaguchi Kappei-san's autograph, got a picture with him and got to hug him, so that was amazing. (lol PROOF)
I love my L wig btw and yes, I'm wearing cat ears. C: I got them in the Dealer's room cuz Misa thought they were cute.
Misa and I met Keychain Man in the line. He was amazing.
Misa also met Pedobear. O:

After Otakon, I wasted the rest of summer replaying Baten Kaitos Origins, which is an awesome RPG for the Gamecube. It's got an amazing plot (if also frigging hard boss battles and annoying jungles). It'll make you think, which is pretty rare for a video game. I recently got to a part where you get involved in this stupid election in the country of Anuenue and was vaguely reminded of the ridiculousness of elections in general, which is subtext I missed when I played it a few years ago, so that's cool.

And now school has started again, and my English AP teacher is crazy. ;__; She's really nice but she assigns a ton of homework. D: Not to mention I'm on the school's marching band, which has 3 hr minimum practices. =__= It's fun, but jeez... Oh well, it'll be over in November.

Anyway, that's my August update. See ya'll next month, I guess.

-Toki

Updaaaate

2008-07-30T22:09:15Z

So, I'm going to Otakon on Saturday the 9th with my dad. C: It's gonna be fun <3

Yamaguchisanyamaguchisanyamaguchisanyamaguchisanyamaguchisan~

I got my L wig today, so that's means... photos coming soon! :D

-Toki

Frustration

2008-07-09T21:34:45Z

I'm frustrated with everything right now. I'm frustrated with myself for being too much of a coward to fully make my case to my parents about going to Otakon this year. I'm frustrated with my parents, for constantly saying "I don't know" everytime I force myself to bring it up. I'm frustrated with my brother for not understanding me when I say all I really wanted out of the summer were some books, a game and Otakon.

I don't know how to make them understand how truly serious I am. Yamaguchi-san is my idol. I admire him greatly. I lay awake at night, imagining myself meeting him. The mere thought of meeting him makes me squeal like the fangirl I'm usually not. I start inexplicably crying when the thought comes that it'll be the afternoon of August 10 and I'll have not met him, not seen him, not heard him. It haunts my dreams, waking me in a cold sweat.
I can't stand the stress. It's making my temper flare. My teeth won't stop grinding. My voice is hoarse.
Goddammit. The anxiety is bringing back all the ills of depression--headaches, nausea, irritability. Give me a goddamn answer already.

It had to have been divine providence for him to be here. It's his debut NA con appearance. Last year, when it was looking like I wouldn't be able to go at all, I cheered myself with the fact that Yamaguchi-san wasn't going to be there, so it wasn't the end of the world. And now, a short year after that innocuous statement, he's here.

A twenty minute drive.
A mere 55 dollars away.

It's a dream-like opportunity. Why does it seem so likely that it will pass me by...?

-Toki

*if you don't quite get who I'm referring to: http://otakon.com/guests_seiyuu.asp#yamaguchi

First Date~

2008-06-30T00:45:43Z

I saw a show with my lovely Maru-chan tonight. It was a production of Shakespeare's The Tempest at the ruins of an old girls' school. Sadly, the bugs almost ruined the performance (I don't like bugs D:) but about halfway through the first half, a wind blew up and kept the bugs away. C: Of course, I have leaves in my hair but I don't care. I got a kiss. C///:

And I now slash a threesome of Caliban, Trinculo and Stephano. C: Thank you, actors in suggestive positions.

And she gave me a keychain of a gryphon, since I'm working on a story about them at the moment. ^ ^

-Toki

First Girlfriend?

2008-06-11T18:03:28Z

So, I guess I have a girlfriend now. ._. It feels awkward somehow, but I'm happy. (and I now have physical conformation that, yes, my body likes girls too. o///o;)
She's really cool, likes all the same things I do and is the girly to my dyke. Frills? Skirts? F*ck that, imho.

...of course, now I feel like I'm cheating on Tyler. .___. Gaaaaaah, why does my love life have to be just as f*cked up as a stupid romance book? DX

>:

-Toki

A Writer's Life for Me

2008-05-19T01:23:49Z

Being a writer can be slightly terrifying at times; makes you question your sanity just a little. It's probably not normal to create dozens upon dozens upon dozens of strange and sometimes twisted characters just for the sake of a story. It's probably not normal that I talk to myself at night, switching between characters and minds so fast that to anyone listening, it would be the most confusing thing on the planet. And it's probably not normal to have a character basically hijack your story and warp it to their purpose (*cough*Anlui*cough*).
I get immense satisfaction in designing characters, especially twisted ones. Main characters that are fairly normal are well and good; the reader can connect easier oftentimes when the character is an "everyman". However, there is nothing like dreaming up a good old' f**ked up, crazypants (Noname, Kibi, Bariil, Kris) or just someone with serious problems (Jackie, Erin).

I've known I wasn't normal for my whole life, but sometimes I can't help but wonder... What would I be like if I wasn't a decent writer? With the way my personality is, could I stand not having a host of people and places in my mind; places and people I can use to escape reality and wrap myself in their stories--losing myself in nonexistent worlds? Could I stand it?

Writer's Block: Almost Famous

2008-04-25T19:13:07Z

What do you want to be famous for?

View 501 Answers

I don't want to be really famous, but if I were given the choice, I'd want to be famous for not being afraid to write about controversial topics not just because they're controversial, but because they mean something to me.

...yeah. That's about it.

Lonely...

2008-04-23T01:05:46Z

I don't understand why, but I just am feeling so incredibly lonely. I don't like it and I know that, rationally, I shouldn't be lonely. I have more friends then I think I've had since preschool. I've found not one, but two people who share my taste in music. I've finally managed to come to terms with the fact that I'm not straight. I've found support in that too.

Why do I feel so alone? *tearing up*

Goddammit, I can't cry now. People will see. *rubs eyes* Ugh... I can't stand this. I don't have a right to be so lonely. There are so many more people who have it so much worse than I do...

You're even appearing in my dreams, my love. I miss you...

...*sighs, head in arms*

I have homework to finish...

Fanfiction?

2008-04-20T15:47:35Z

It's very rare that I even get ideas for fanfic, let alone actually like it enough to write. So, imagine my surprise when I had a dream last night starring the lovely boys of Honeydew Syndrome. And I actually like the plot (however strange it is) enough to write it. Amazing. I'll post it to the comm if I like it. ._.

-Toki

Writing Funks and Getting Out of 'em

2008-04-19T20:11:14Z

So, I'm currently in a creativity block. It's been going on pretty much since I finished my novel. |: However, I think I've found my cure. :D The trick is to listen to your music list on shuffle and start writing the moment you get an image.
I wrote three drabbles yesterday; two both 100 words and one 150 words. ...though it's kind of depressing that two of them were written to Evanescence songs. ._.

    Spinning
      She twirled on one foot, spinning.

      Faster.

      Faster.

      Faster still.

      The world was a blur as her head snapped around and around, her dancer’s balance preventing dizziness.

      She jumped, leapt, landed in a split, ignoring the ache in her legs as she slid up, swaying.

      The world was right in her dance.

      Here there were no words.

      So there were no lies.

      The song played on repeat as she began once again to spin. Spinning around and around, never moving forward, never moving back.

      Her world was right.

      Her world was whole.

      And she was the only one in it.

Chains
She dangled off the edge, staring desperately at the man standing over her. She pleaded for help, arms aching from the hopeless clinging to life.

      Please.

      Grab my hands.

      Save me.

      He stood by, eyes hidden as he watched one hand slip off, manicured nails digging into the soil.

      Save me!

      But he only looked on as her will finally died, her limp body falling down.

      He didn’t hear the sickening crack as her body crumpled to the earth far below.

      Tears flowed down his face. Yet another person gone.

      No one had ever seen the shackles by which his feet were bound.

      No one could see his cage.

      Because, by seeing it, they would free him and save themselves.

      They all would die.

      Until the one day, when someone would see, grab the chains, and pull them down together.

      Down to the future that awaited them at the bottom.

Music Box
      The figures in the music box twirled around their axis, two pairs of eyes watching.

      The twins swayed to the song, hands clasped, ignoring the fires outside the window, the shouts on the streets.

      Every few plays, the music box needed to be wound.

      It was then the spell was broken.

      In those few moments, tears found their way into the carpet beneath them; tears of fear, loneliness, abandonment.

       But then the song would begin again, weaving its spell once more.

      There was nothing outside.

      There was no outside.

      There were only two little girls, swaying to a sweet melody.
So yup. I'm feeling a little better.

The Fight Against Ignorance

2008-03-29T03:07:22Z

I love the internet, but sometimes it upsets me. The level of mean-spirited and rude people only seems to be rising as the internet's popularity increases by leaps and bounds. But it really isn't the rudeness, or the political incorrectness, or the oversexualization that really bothers me. What really gets me is the sheer level of ignorance. I realize that trolls often feign stupidity to be more obnoxious, but oftentimes, it seems like this is true ignorance.

It makes me weep for the educational system.

-Toki

Writer's Block: A Little Recognition, Please?

2008-03-26T23:13:28Z

What talent do you have that you wish more people would recognize?

View 500 Answers

I like to think I'm an eloquent speaker when I know what I'm saying. I like the way my voice sounds and I wish that my constant stuttering and fumbling over words when I'm unsure of what I'm trying to say would stop making me sound unintelligent. When people encounter only my words, they can clearly see that I am in fact an eloquent person and very articulate, but when I'm asked to speak unscripted, my thoughts run together, as do my words. It's embarrassing. Not to mention, when speaking, my thought process slows down considerably, making me miss bits and pieces of conversation, leading to confusion.
Thud. That was the sound of my head saying "hi" to my desk, by the way.

-Toki

yawn

2008-02-16T17:46:04Z

That title describes my life pretty much. I want to go see a concert in May, prolly won't cuz it's in New Jersey, New York or Connecticut and I live in Maryland. ...And all three concerts are on a school night. And it's AP test week. ...which is also my birthday week. *headdesk* Life sucks.

Umm... I'm still waiting for my English teacher to take a look at the two chapters of my novel I gave her... two months ago to edit. *sigh* I understand she's busy, but still...

I wish I could go to Germany and visit Tyler.

I wish I could fucking drive.

I kind of wish I wasn't turning slowly into a lesbian (I like being biiii...).

I wish I wasn't writer's block'd. I have two novels to plan and I want to do iiit...

I wish the shit I'm spilling onto this keyboard made sense.

Argh. High school is shit. Why does everyone look back fondly on these years? They fucking suck. Ugh.

I need a good book to read, but the library isn't close and I haven't got the money to buy books.

I wish I had a job. I wish I didn't have to go to school.

I'm sick of these stupid colleges sending me stupid emails. If you want me to go to your damn college, send me money, ya damn bastards.

I want my dad to get off the fucking XBox and let me play my Fire Emblem. I need to redirect this anger before I explode. Writing isn't workingggggg. *gnaws on cup sitting on desk*

-Toki

Well, since no one reads this anyway...

2008-01-31T22:58:04Z

I confessed to someone today. ...kind of. o_o;

...I'm a coward and wrote a short story, hoping he'd be able to read between the lines enough to guess. -///-; He did... but... still. I'm a frigging coward.

......well, he did it in a forum PM. ...the week after I moved away. So... we're both cowards, I guess.

-------------------------------

First love tastes like salt tears and snot. You wonder why your hormones had to choose now to hit you over the head and finally let you experience your first real crush. Why now?

Why now? When everything is too late?

You’re an ocean apart now, so different from how it used to be. You remember when you were inseparable and everyone assumed you were going out. Whenever they’d ask, you’d both glare and say no, but you always knew he liked you. Even if you didn’t return the sentiment, there really isn’t a better feeling than knowing you’re liked.

It’s so different now.

Now you’re in high school, where natural beauty is no match against the girls who work and slave over their faces, their bodies, their clothing. You’re having none of that. You like your ill-fitting jeans and baggy t-shirts. You don’t give a rat’s ass that your hair’s usually a mess or that you could stand to lose 20 pounds. It’s school. Who cares?
But still, you’re lonely. You don’t stick out here. You might have the potential to be beautiful, but you do nothing with it out of laziness. Your skin is pretty awful and you can barely stand to look at the nails you still bite down to the quick. Your mom still buys your clothes. You hate shopping.

Why do you care?

Why should you care?

Why is it that now, after almost three years of being apart, that you find yourself missing him so much? Is it that you miss what he represents in your mind; elementary school, middle school, a simpler time—where the school was about as shitty as they come, and you had to hold your friends close. Why is it that in this “better” school, friendship is a game? People hang out with people they don’t even like, either because they can’t say no or because it’s good for their “image”.
Is that why at night, sometimes you can’t help but cry, remembering walking around the field during PE, watching out for the stalker you used to have. Or sitting against the school wall outside as other people tested within, singing a song you knew you didn’t sing well for no reason other than to impress him. The teacher telling you to shut up and eventually moving you apart because you wouldn’t stop talking; you, the goody-two-shoes. Or looking back during lunch, always saving him a seat because you knew he’d sneak over and sit with you even though it wasn’t allowed.
All the memories run together in your mind. All the boys here can’t even compare. Sometimes you can’t help but wonder if you’ve been a lesbian this entire time, but are only straight for him. No other boy seems to hold even the vaguest attraction for you, unless you mistake them for a girl at first. (Rule of thumb: If you have to guess, it’s probably a boy.)

You’re lonely, but there isn’t even anyone you’re interested in going out with. You’re stuck, clinging to the new friends you’ve made and missing your old ones. Pictures from your Bat Mitzvah reception make you sad, as you look at the people you haven’t seen in three years. You miss them, but mostly him.
It’s only now that you realize just how special that relationship was to you and now you regret taking it for granted. They say all good things must come to an end, and it always proven true.

You wish he could come back and somehow come back to your school. Then you could finally ask him out and show him down to the Village Center, where everyone hangs out despite there being nothing to do there. You’d take him out to pizza and you wouldn’t have to be afraid of your dad buying a shotgun to threaten your new boyfriend with; he knows this one.

But such things are impossible and will be for now.

Maybe you could convince him to go to the same college as you.

Y’know, once you’ve chosen one.

----------------------------

*sigh* Reading that again makes me depressed. TT. TT

Um... soo....

2008-01-28T21:43:16Z

How long has it been since I remembered this account existed again? LJ is like my diaries; I keep up with them awhile, then they disappear under the bed until I discover them again.

...it's the HoneySyn community's fault, really. >_>

Me? Have something to say?

...ha, in your dreams, maybe.

-Toki

ahem

2007-03-07T12:46:00Z

...See why snow days are good? I update my LJ after... *counts* 6 months. :D

...Ooooo! Death Note finished downloading! *skitters away*

Shaun: (<- muse) Umm... Toki-sama will be back... ...eventually.

Pep Rally of Funness

2006-09-29T19:32:56Z

Don't get me wrong. Usually I hate those kinda things, but this one was awesome. XD
The sports teams all put on a performance; soccer team (odd), Poms squad (okay), football team (pointless), girl cheerleaders (why do they have to wear such short skirts?)... but then there were the guy cheerleaders. :3 The seniors were... for lack of a better word...SMEXY. =333 No, seriously. They took off their shirts and everything. XDDD Twas awesome. Plus, there was this one guy... I couldn't see his face, but the dude had the body of a bishie~~~ X3 Really! He looked like he was pulled right out of an oh-so-pretty yaoi pic. =3
The juniors were fun too. XD These two guys looked like they were getting it ON. =333 Yay for yaoifanmind! XDDD
=3 Being a fangirl can be fun. And much love to Death Note's L. *pokes avatar*

~Toki

Anime Uploads

2006-09-16T03:09:00Z

Ayup. Uploading anime to teh wonderful internets... New hobby? Perhaps. ^^' Right now I'm uploading Sukisho and Yami no Matsuei, which are rather hard to find since they're a bit old.
Want the links? Go ahead and ask. ^^

...New avatar. XP I love Ouran Host Club. ..O.o Zomg. I think I can tell! ...XD Being a people-watcher has it's advantages.

Um... Nothing really.

2006-09-06T21:23:24Z

I just wanted to update. XD;

...Um... Avatar love? XD It's not mine. Although I did make one... LJ won't let me upload it. *sigh* I have to compress it...

In other news, I didn't make the school play. Heck, I didn't even get a call back. ...Oh well. That's life. D:

~Toki

Um... Too cute not to love? X3

2006-08-24T22:36:46Z

Um... Yay?

Isn't it just precious? ^w^

OMGYAYNESS

2006-08-22T21:15:34Z

Dude, this is awesome. One of my YouTube vids made the Most Discussed list. ^_____^ Happy~~~ See?

Mine's the one with the green doodle. XP